Home > Comics, Humor > Happy Villains Day: Battle Royale Part Deux

Happy Villains Day: Battle Royale Part Deux



Earlier this month I posted about the toughest heroes in comics.  I see that since it is Halloween, I have to give villains their fair share.  So what’s the best way to do that?  ANOTHER BATTLE ROYALE…WITH CHEESE!

This time around we’re gonna be bringing the evil.  Remember as before, only villains (no anti-heroes).  No cosmic-level baddies (Galactus, Mephisto).  And remember, only active villains.  If they’re dead or off-planet, they’re not here.  Also, for the sake of balance, no mini-series villains either (because technically, they’re not active).  Rules of engagement are none.  These bastiches are going all out.  Kill or be killed.  And since they’re villains, they will be using any and all resources at their disposal to do so.

So without further ado, bring on the bad guys!

Slade can kill you with his teacup.

Slade can kill you with his teacup.

#10 – Deathstroke the Terminator / Slade Wilson

His Deal – Unscrupulous mercenary Slade Wilson got experimented upon and gained enhanced reflexes, speed, strength, a Wolverine-like healing factor, and a bit of “future sight” which allows him to predict the next move against him and react accordingly.  Also, he’s trained in gunplay and martial arts.

Why He’s #10 – Deathstroke has taken on multiple teams of superhumans (Teen Titans, JLA, Secret Six) and come out on top.  Unfortunately, while he may be able to take down heroes, villains are a different ball of wax entirely.  They play dirtier.  And the rest of the list is just filthy.

Norman will kill you dead and hell look more American than you while doing it.

Norman will kill you dead and he'll look more American than you while doing it.

#9 – Iron Patriot / Green Goblin / Norman Osborn

His Deal – Norman Osborn is in charge of the security of the Marvel U.  With it that comes all the resources that Nick Fury had while he had SHIELD (HAMMER now).  Oh, but also throw in the Iron Patriot armor (Iron Man’s most advanced armor) and all the powers that come with it, the Green Goblin powers he’s been packing for years, a genius level intellect, and a sadist like few the world has ever seen.

Why He’s #9 – For all of Osborn’s strengths, his main weaknesses are his psychosis and megalomania.  Under duress, Ol’ Gobby just cracks under pressure.  The other heavies on this list will just locate his weakness and exploit it like a junkyard dog in heat.

vs Deathstroke – Slade’s taken down armored creeps before, but none like Normie.  Osborn would just use the armor to rain holy satellite fire down on whatever city Deathstroke just happen to be in.  And then blame it on the mutants, or somebody.

Hes nuttier than a snickers bar.  But being crazy aint everything...

He's nuttier than a snickers bar. But being crazy ain't everything...

#8 – The Joker

His Deal – The Clown Prince of Crime.  The world’s only sane madman, he’s been a thorn in Batman’s side since forever.  A genius is the fields of chemistry, death-traps, engineering, and driving people insane.  He doesn’t just want to kill you, he want to make sure you’re insane before you die.  Life is all a big joke, and he wants everyone to know the punchline.

Why He’s #8 – Joker’s insanity makes him the most unpredictable opponent you could face.  He cares nothing for human life, and will literally kill scores of innocents to get what he wants.  But, in order to do that, he needs gadgets and planning.  He’s a pretty crappy fighter if you get right down to it and the rest of the furious bunch waiting are good at the whole hand-to-hand.

vs Deathstroke – Slade knows the score.  You walk into a building the Joker’s hiding and he blows it up.  Or gasses it.  Or fills it with acidic pudding.  Or worst case scenario, kills his kids and tapes it.  Wilson is just into hitting things, he doesn’t have the long-view Joker has.

vs Iron Patriot – Now Osborn would try to outmaneuver him into a spot to just use artillery, but if we know Joker (and we do), he’s already posititioned himself to force Norman into a meeting by kidnapping Harry Osborn.  Norman walks in and Joker’s traps disable the armor, and soon after, his sanity.

Can the Universes leading terrorist be the champ?  Afraid not.

Can the Universe's leading terrorist be the champ? Afraid not.

#7 – Sinestro

His Deal – Disgraced Green Lantern.  Terrorist.  Mass murderer.  All of these apply.  His control over the Qwardian Yellow light of fear allows him and his Corps to have all the powers of a Green Lantern.  And none of the weaknesses.  Combine that with his military precision and tactics, and you’ve got yourself a holy terror.

Why He’s #7 – Sinestro does not pull punches.  He comes at you at your weakest.  And he genuinely wants you to be afraid.  It just makes him more powerful.  Unfortunately, he’s a one-trick pony.  Energy constructs is all he does.  Yeah, he does it better than anyone else, but variety is the spice of life.  And Sinestro is pretty bland.  And dead.

vs Deathstroke – Deathstroke is armed with the best weapons on Earth.  Sinestro is armed with a power ring.  No contest.

vs Iron Patriot – Gobby’s new armor is all swanky, but even that is no match for the tech that the power ring is packing.  Sinestro just whips up something inside his armor, and down he goes.

vs Joker – Good luck trying to kidnap Sinestro’s baby girl (she’s a Green Lantern).  And the power ring’s shields can filter out anything harmful that any of Joker’s traps can throw at him.  He just casually walks through the gauntlet, and shoots the clown in the face.

Anything you can do, he can do better.

Anything you can do, he can do better.

#6 – Absorbing Man / Carl “Crusher” Creel

His Deal – Crusher was given a magical potion by the god Loki which gave him the ability to absorb the properties of anything that he comes in physical contact with.  That means he can basically turn into anything.  He can even absorb the powers of any being that touches him.  And he uses this power better than anyone around.

Why He’s #6 – Creel is astoundingly powerful.  More powerful than anyone gives him credit for honestly.  He has absorbed the powers and properties of Thor’s hammer, water, electricity, psychic energy, Asgard(!), and as the pic shows New York City.  But as cunning as he is, his intelligence is what always holds him back.  He’s a thug, not a mastermind.

vs Deathstroke – Not really a lot Slade can do when Creel turns into concrete.  Fail.

vs Iron Patriot – Again, all the repulsor blasts in the world can’t save you when Crusher just absorbs them and turns into a repulsor ray and destroys the suit from the inside out.  Bye-bye, Norman.

vs Joker – Creel doesn’t have any loved ones that aren’t superpowered.  Joker has no leverage there.  So he goes to plan B – death-trap.  Joker-venom?  Absorbed.  Corrosive gas?  Absorbed.  Robotic guards?  Absorbed then trashed.  I can keep going.

vs Sinestro – Sinestro’s main power is his ring.  Crusher absorbs construct after construct until his ring runs out of juice, then he just throws something heavy at him.

This Hulk is everything the Green Goliath isnt.

This Hulk is everything the Green Goliath isn't.

#5 – Rulk / Red Hulk

His Deal – No one know who he is.  He came out of nowhere.  But he’s stronger than Banner, heals like Banner, and has gamma radiation manipulation abilities.  The madder he gets, the hotter the gets.  If he needs a power boost, he can also absorb any energy around him (even the power cosmic!).  All that, and he does not lose his intellect.  He is a rotten bastard with an immensely powerful body, and the mind of a 5-star general.

Why He’s #5 – Rulk is extremely adept at battle.  From his appearances you can guess that he’s got at least Special Forces training and has battled against superpowered foes before his transformation.  But that’s it.  The rest of the list are the masterminds and world conquerors.  Rulk would not be calling the shots, but he would be their lieutenant.

vs Deathstroke – Rulk smash!

vs Iron Patriot – Rulk absorbs all that energy he’s throwing around, and THEN Rulk smash!

vs Joker – Joker doesn’t have anything that can get past Rulk’s healing.  Rulk smashes him.

vs Sinestro – Rulk sucks up all his ring’s energy and then…

vs Absorbing Man – Now this fight would be interesting.  All the power that Creel sucks out of Rulk, Rulk just absorbs back.  And no matter what he Creel turns into, Rulk can either smash or survive it.  It would last forever, but this fight is eventually won by Rulk’s tactical mind.

Evil Batman.  Need I say more?

Evil Batman. Need I say more?

#4 – Prometheus

His Deal – The Anti-Batman.  His origin?  The son of two serial killing bank robbers, his parents were gunned down by police.  Hence, he now blamed law and order for their murder, and trained his mind and body to bring them down.  Like Batman, only backwards.  He’s armed with the Nightstick.  It’s his version of a utility belt.  His helmet which is hard-wired into his nervous system, which is programmed with the fighting styles of the best martial artists in the world, and the Key.  It allows him access to his own dimension, and teleports him through time and space.

Why He’s #4 – He took down the JLA in 3 pages.  He’s got a genius and a tactical master on par with Bats.  But, he’s still not as smart, and not as powerful or resourceful as the other 3.

vs Deathstroke – Prom’s helmet has all of Slade’s moves programmed.  This is a non-fight.

vs Iron Patriot – Yeah, he’s got all of Normie’s moves in his head.  But then he busts out the Nightstick’s ability to fire “neural chaff” which impedes coherent thought.  While Osborn struggles with the Goblin persona, Prom just blasts him dead.

vs Joker – You can’t really trap Prometheus.  The Key just teleports him behind the Joker and game over.

vs Sinestro – This is where it gets fun.  At the fight, all of Sinestro’s constructs just melt into goo.  Why?  2 days before the fight, Prometheus captured a member of the Sinestro Corps and snatched his ring while he slept.  Then he took the ring apart and figured out how to disable it.  He’s actually done this trick before, just on Green Lantern Kyle Rayner.

vs Absorbing Man – A much easier fight if you can believe this.  Prometheus just uses the Key to banish Creel into the Ghost Zone.  Gods have been lost there and never heard from again.

vs Red Hulk – Rulk can switch between his Hulk body and his normal human body.  All you have to do is figure it out.  All the bloody fights he’s been, I’m sure Prometheus has a drop of his yellow blood somewhere, and he’s been trying to figure out how to do it.  One quick dart to the neck, and Rulk’s human form gets taken apart.

Hes smarter than you.  And he wants to collect you.

He's smarter than you. And he wants to collect you.

#3 – Brainiac

His Deal – Up until recently, all the other Brainiacs have been science probes.  The REAL Brainiac is more devious, smarter, and has a physical body that matches Superman’s strength.

Why He’s #3 – Brainy is all brains.  But the only weakness he’s shown is his phobia of germs.  Superman used it to win.  The other 2 will as well.

vs Deathstroke – Slade’s just not powerful enough to get past any of Brainy’s alien robots, let alone the real thing.

vs Iron Patriot – Brainiac remotely hacks the suit and sets it to self destruct.

vs Joker – Insanity can’t fight Coluan planetary bombardment.

vs Sinestro – Sinestro would actually get to fight the man himself.  But only on Brainy’s terms.  He would have rigged the whole place take down Sinestro if he actually made it that far.

vs Absorbing Man – Creel’s intelligence would be his achille’s heel.  Brainy would just trick him into absorbing something useless, like say, water.  And then separate all the molecules in jars forever.

vs Red Hulk – Easy peazy.  Brainy just implants a control device into Rulk’s brain.  Now Brainiac has a remote controlled Hulk.

vs Prometheus – Prometheus’ helmet is also a major weakness.  Brainy hacks it and rewrites his nervous system like Bats has.

Baldelicious!  Lex can outhink anyone!  Almost...

Baldelicious! Lex can outhink anyone! Almost...

#2 – Lex Luthor

His Deal – A super-genius.  Criminal mastermind Lex Luthor has grown multi-million dollar corporations from nothing.  He’s got resources to spare, hell, he even became president!  It’s no wonder that most of the DC baddies take marching orders from him.  He’s usually right.

Why He’s #2 – Do I have to spell it out?  He’s Superman’s arch-foe.  He’s used his knowledge of laws to get out of any dirty business and has crafted numerous weapons to use against the heroes.  His weakness?  His obsession with Superman.  Even the last guy on the list knows how to exploit that.

vs Deathstroke – Lex hires him to take down some schmuck and gets ambushed by a gajillion hired guns.  They bring him back to Lex’s lab so that he can use Slade’s DNA against Superman.

vs Iron Patriot – Lex’s suits have been just as advanced as Norman’s.  It takes no time at all to disable it.  Then take both the suit and Osborn’s body back to his lab for use against Superman.

vs Joker – Joker’s hideout gets raided by the local superheroes from an “anonymous” tip.  After the heroes leave, he shows up and takes all of the Joker’s weapons and trinkets for use against Superman.

vs Sinestro – Lex’s suit integrates Apocalips tech into it.  What’re the odds he’s got some anti-Green Lantern trinket in it?  Yeah, and once he kills Sinestro, he takes the ring for use against… you guess it, Superman.

vs Absorbing Man – Lex would hire Creel for a blood test.  Then teleport him via Boom Tube to Saturn.  The blood?  Useful against Superman.

vs Red Hulk – Lex already has a sample of Rulk’s blood.  More than likely, Rulk fights another Rulk clone or clones.  And loses.

vs Prometheus – Lex has seen Prometheus’ hideout.  All he had to do is just break in, and leave a bomb.  Then take his stuff.  For Superman fighting.

vs Brainiac – This fight would take all of Lex’s resources.  He would con all the heroes and villains for a full frontal assault.  Then go in the back door and sneak attack him.  In the end, the heroes win.  But Lex gets all the nice tech for use later.  Against Superman, of course.

None judge Doom!

#1 – Victor von Doom

His Deal – Uber-genius and monarch of Latveria.  He’s the smartest man in the Marvel U, and the second most powerful mage.  He has spawned technological miracles and even became a “god”.  He also conquered the world.  Twice.  And gave it up because it got “boring”.

Why He’s #1 – Doom’s resources are inexhaustible.  He has a vast library of forbidden magical tomes, a working time machine, and the armor he wears at all times?  It’s on par with Stark’s Extremis armor.  The guy basically tangles with you if you are worthy, otherwise you’ll never even know you were fighting him.

vs Deathstroke – The second Slade comes within Latveria’s borders, Doom knows.  And he’d have a battalion of robots waiting for him.

vs Iron Patriot – Did I mention that Doom’s armor is on par with Norman’s?  No edge there.  So Doom just magics up something to put down Norman for the count.

vs Joker – Doom doesn’t even bother going.  He sends in a Doombot instead.  IF the ‘Bot is losing, he just detonates its nuclear power source.

vs Sinestro – Doom’s found ways to absorb Galactus’ powers.  Sinestro’s ring is just second best.

vs Absorbing Man – Pretty much the only way to counter this guy is to make him someone else’s problem.  I would see Doom teleporting him to into a black hole.

vs Red Hulk – Similar to how Brainiac handled him.  Only with magic.

vs Prometheus – Prometheus can teleport anywhere, sure.  Right into Doom’s room.  Sure.  But as soon as he finds out what he killed was a Doombot?  He looks outside and finds that the room he was in just got dropped into the middle of the Jurassic Period.

vs Brainiac – Would Brainy’s 12th level intellect be a match for Doom’s?  Sure enough.  But when tech-saavy doesn’t work, Doom just magics up a solution.

vs Lex Luthor – All of Lex’s resources are pushed to the limit trying to invade Latveria.  In the end, Doom would just meet him battle and eventually just zap his armors with magic and lobotomize him.

Agree?  Disagree?  Forgot someone?  Let me know.

Discuss.

 

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Categories: Comics, Humor Tags: , , , ,
  1. October 24, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    OSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *shakes fist*
    God if I could kill any one character in comics it would be Normon Osborne. HATE!

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