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Thanksgiving Food Fight: Top 10 Super-Teams In Comics



Thanksgiving is a time for the whole family to get together and share.  Well, if that was all this article was about, it would be pretty damn boring.  So why don’t we have ourselves a food-fight, Battle Royale style!

The top 10 super-teams in comics.  Rules?  Current rosters and tactics will be added, and only teams in ongoing series.  Villains?  Heroes?  Who cares?  If there is a team of post-humans that act and think together to get crap done, they’re in here!

Now, FIGHT!

For all their bloodthirstiness, their power level just doesn't cut it.

#10 – Secret Six

Current Roster – Catman, Bane, Scandal Savage, Deadshot, Ragdoll III, Jeannette the Banshee

Their Deal – Mercenaries for hire.  All of these guys are villains or at least have no scruples about killing you off.  They have no compunctions about torture, maiming, or even kidnapping.

Why they’re #10 – The Six are tactically sound.  They were hand-picked by Lex Luthor himself, as a team that can basically fight off any other villains in the DCU.  Unfortunately for them, the only person with actual superpowers is Jeannette, and that is a huge liability in these fights.

Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha gonna do?

#9 – The Rogues

Current Roster – Captain Cold, Heat Wave, Mirror Master II, Weather Wizard, Trickster II, Abra Kadabra

Their Deal – The Flash’s main thorns.  Cold and the rest of these guys are what some people would call, criminals with morals.  They abide by certain rules and they know how to use their weaponry to its best effect.

Why They’re #9 – The only “superpowered” member of this outfit is Weather Wizard, and honestly, he’s not that impressive.  Yes, these guys are tough, but at the end of the day, they’re just thugs with guns.

vs Secret Six – The Rogues would have a hard time with Deadshot and Jeannette.  Unfortunately, the rest of the Six need to be in your face to rape your face.  These guys won’t let you get that close.

#8 – Fantastic Four

Current Roster – Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, The Thing, Human Torch

Their Deal – Marvel’s First Family.  They are a family of explorers.  Time travel, space, other dimensions, quantum realities, you name it they chart it.  They also wrote the book on using superpowers in a team setting.  That combined with Richard’s brains, well, makes them ready for just about anything.

Why They’re #8 – This is the smallest team you can think of.  Granted, they do work extremely well together.  But against some of the other teams on this list, numbers will eventually wind you down.

vs The Secret Six – I see Invisible Woman systematically shutting down Deadshot’s bullets.  Human Torch burning out Jeannette.  Reed out-tangling the ‘Doll.  And Thing?  Well, the only ones left can’t put a dent his craggy ass.  It’s a win all around.

vs The Rogues – The Rogues are tech-based.  Reed sees that, and whips up an EMP generator outta fishsticks, a stopwatch, a ballpoint pen, and a chewing gum wrapper.  End.

Without the "Big Three" this team is doomed...

#7 – Justice League of America

Current Roster – Dr. Light, Firestorm, Vixen, Green Lantern, Red Tornado, Zatanna, Plastic Man

Their Deal – The DCU’s premier super-team.  They take down alien invasions, gods, and other villain teams.  One of the oldest and most experienced teams in history.

Why They’re #7 – The current incarnation of the JLA reads like an old Super Buddies comic.  An entire roster of second stringers.  While powerful and experienced, they just don’t pack the punch necessary to get past the #8 slot.

vs Secret Six – Only GL and Firestorm need to show up for this one.  Game, set, match.

vs The Rogues – The JLA have taken down the Rogues before, this is just a re-run.

vs Fantastic Four – I see Sue being stalemated by GL.  Reed being outplayed by Zatanna’s magic.  Tornado puts out Johnny’s flames.  And Thing?  Well, Firestorm and Plastic Man can just contain him in an adamantium cage.  And the JLA still has more people coming out of the woodwork.  This is just a massacre.

Even with this all-star cast, the Avengers can't really avenge themselves...

#6 – New Avengers

Current Roster – Ronin, Capt America, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, Wolverine, Luke Cage, Mockingbird, Ms. Marvel

Their Deal – The “everyman” team of Avengers.  These are the guys that will get into scraps in the alleys, and dig up the dirt that needs to be found.  They are also the leaders of the resistance against Osborn and his “Dark Reign”.

Why They’re #6 – The New Avengers are scrappy, cunning, and will not hesitate to put cap in your ass.  Unfortunately, their heaviest hitter is Ms. Marvel.  The rest of these teams have 2-3.  The numbers just don’t lie.

vs Secret Six – Ms. Marvel and Luke can pretty much take down the whole team by themselves.

vs The Rogues – Any energy they throw around is sucked up by Marvel, and their lack of tactics is more than made up by ol’ Hawkeye and Bucky.

vs Fantastic Four – Marvel pretty much takes Torch.  Thing is handled by Luke and Cap.  Which leaves Reed to Spider-Man (trust me, Petey can take him) and the rest dog-pile on Sue.  It’s a tough fight, but the Avengers take it in the end.

vs JLA – This would be the Avengers’ toughest fight.  Of course, fighting dirty means sneaking into the Hall of Justice and taking out the big hitters.  Wolverine, Ronin, Mockingbird, and Spider-Woman would have no issues there.  The rest?  Ms. Marvel does clean up.

Guns, knives, and cosmic powers!

#5 – Guardians of the Galaxy

Current Roster – Star-Lord, Adam Warlock, Drax the Destroyer, Gamora, Groot, Rocket Racoon, Bug, Mantis, Martyr, Major Victory, Jack Flag, Moondragon, Cosmo

Their Deal – As the name implies, they protect the universe from, well, everything.  Space-time aberrations, cosmic tears in reality, the Annihilation Wave, the Phalanx Invasion, and the Church of Universal Truth.  These guys are bad-asses to the 1oth degree.  They have saved the Marvel U a dozen times over, and no one on Earth even knows who they are…

Why They’re #5 – They fight to win.  Unfortunately, they tend to fight their battles without any actual pre-planning.  Most of their wins come from pure dumb luck.  And agains the rest of the heavies, its better to be good than lucky.

vs Secret Six – Warlock is a “quantum mage” who can re-write time.  A couple of Earthbound mercenaries wont even test his powers.

vs The Rogues – A bunch of thugs with guns?  The Guardians have better tech and BIGGER guns.

vs Fantastic Four – Warlock’s magic nullifies Sue’s shields.  Mantis and Moondragon use their mental mojo to turn the rest of the FF’s minds to jelly.

vs JLA – Again, Zatana’s magic is strong, but Warlock’s is better.  And with the League having no telepaths, their minds succumb to the Guardians’ mental assaults.

vs New Avengers – Same as the last team.  Only faster.

Holy Geriatric Army!

#4 – Justice Society of America

Current Roster – The Flash, Green Lantern, Wildcat, Magog, Power Girl, Mr. Terrific, Dr. Fate, and TONS more…

Their Deal – The DCU’s oldest and most experienced super-team.  The gathering of abilites, experience, and just straight up gumption is simply awesome.

Why They’re #4 – The JSA is packing analogues of Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman with some oddball characters in there.  Their only disadvantage?  All of these guys are using the “Boy Scout Handbook” of battle tactics.  They won’t kill and they play fair.  Against the rest of the teams on the list, the dirtier you fight, the less you’re gonna die.

vs Secret Six – The JSA outnumbers the Six 4-1, its a non-fight.

vs The Rogues – Jay Garrick has experience dealing with these fools.  Combine that knowledge with an army of do-gooders, and its over in 3 panels.

vs Fantastic Four – Doc Fate’s magic negates all the FF’s trinkets, which leaves them at a major disadvantage against this legion.

vs JLA – If the League had the “Big Three” then this would a more even fight.  As it is, the Society just have WAY more members that are a higher power class.  Sorry League, these fogeys KO you easy.

vs New Avengers – Again, the Avengers can sneak in and out, but when you’re fighting 10 guys that have tangled ass with Superman and lived, even Ms. Marvel is over-matched.

vs Guardians of the Galaxy – This is one helluva match!  The Guardians’ mind mojo allows them an early lead, but sooner or later, Jakeem Thunder summons the reality altering Thunderbolt and grants him his wish to unmake the Guardians.

Dog pile! Of Evil!

#3 – The Hood’s Gang

Current Roster – The Hood and pretty much every other run of the mill super-villain in the Marvel U.  Seriously.

Their Deal – The Hood has turned various teams of villains and united them under a common banner.  HIS.  The U-Foes, Wrecking Crew, a large part of Spidey’s rogues gallery.  They are all here and all united as a nigh-unstoppable army of evil.

Why They’re #3 – The motivating factor for these guys?  Greed.  They stay together because it is the most profitable venture out there.  Once it becomes not worth it, a good deal of the thugs will take off and snitch on the Hood.

vs Secret Six – Hood probably pays them to work for him.  And they take the cash as opposed to dying.

vs The Rogues – Hood invites them to join his gang.  Then slits their throats while they slept.

vs Fantastic Four – 4 vs 72?  Odds are not in your favor, Richards.  My money’s on the Hood.

vs JLA – Hood on his own has the capability to out-magic Dr. Strange.  Zatanna’s out of her league.  Which leaves the other 97 villains to take down the underpowered League.  Hell, Purple Man could probably make them kill themselves.

vs New Avengers – These two teams have tussled before, and the only way the Avengers escaped was through trickery, they never actually won.

vs Guardians of the Galaxy – Mental mojo?  Purple Man trumps that.  Magic?  Hood’s got you.  And that’s still leaves the rest of the gang.  Eventually, and bloodily, the gang wins.  Barely.

vs JSA – Numbers wise the fight’s pretty damn even.  But the gang’s major heavies (Purple Man, Wrecking Crew, Hood himself) turn the tide on too many levels.  And the JSA would be trying to arrest them, Hood’s people will always go for the kill-shot.

Bring on the bad guys!

#2 – Dark Avengers

Current Roster – Iron Patriot, Moonstone, Ares, Sentry, Daken, Venom, Bullseye

Their Deal – The U.S.’s premier super-team, the (Dark) Avengers!  Currently, this extremely psychotic brew of powerhouses rules the Marvel U with an iron fist.  They are powerful, crazy, and they have the frickin’ GOD OF WAR running battle strategy.  He also has the Sentry.  If he sends him at you, you’re pretty much gonna die.

Why They’re #2 – For all the power and battle saavy, Osborn’s Avengers are only working together because they have no choice.  Half the team wants to kill the other.  Capitalizing on that would be child’s play.  And so, another team bites the dust.

vs Secret Six – Osborn orders them to join the Hood’s gang.  Hood then either kills them or they stay under Osborn’s thumb.

vs The Rogues – Osborn orders them to join the Hood’s gang.  See above.

vs Fantastic Four – Send in the Sentry.

vs JLA – A lot of variables go into a battle like this.  Norman doesn’t care about that.  Send in the Sentry.

vs New Avengers – Osborn gets his HAMMER goons to soften them up, then probably send in Daken, Bullseye, and Ares to mop up.

vs Guardian of the Galaxy – The thing about this is, the Guardians would show up, and Osborn hits them with EVERYTHING he has.  HAMMER, the Hood’s thugs, Sentry, the kitchen sink.  He has to go nuclear.  And after the dust settles, he walks away.  Alone.

vs JSA – Sentry.

vs Hood’s Gang – Osborn feeds him intel.  Just put Hood in a compromising position and feed him to Ares and the Sentry.  Without the Hood, the rest of the gang can get slowly taken apart.

You're not fighting a team. The X-Men are a country.

#1 – X-Men

Current Roster – All known X-Men and the rest of the 198 mutants left over from Decimation.

Their Deal –  Cyclops and the X-Men have left the Osborn controlled US behind, and founded “Utopia” on the ruins of Magneto’s Asteroid M.  They have also put the rest of the Atlantean refugees under their protection.  Cyke doesn’t run the X-Men as a super-hero team anymore, he uses them as an army for a country.

Why They’re #1 – Simply, you don’t fight a team that has HUNDREDS of members.  You lay siege to them.  Cyclops is one of the Marvel U’s most cunning and experienced strategists.  And he has intimate knowledge of every powerset imaginable.  Stack that with all the powers from the rest of the mutants on Nation X, and he has a contingency plan for any attack.

vs Secret Six – X-Force is sent for them.  They are never heard from again.

vs The Rogues – See above.

vs Fantastic Four – Professor X and Magneto are ordered by Cyclops to take them down.  Reed’s machines don’t stand a shot against their EMPs and mind juju.

vs JLA – Again big guns.  Prof X can lay waste to all their minds.  And if he needs help, just send in the REST of the telepaths to turn minds to jelly.

vs New Avengers – See above, and Wolverine would just side with the X-Men anyway.

vs Guardians of the Galaxy – The Guardians have a large cast, but the X-Men are 5 times larger.  Their main gun, telepathy?  Is nullified by the X-Men’s much more experienced brain trust.  The rest is just numbers.

vs JSA – Mind juju would be the first order of business.  Any survivors get executed by X-Force.

vs Hood’s Gang – They are pretty evenly matched in numbers, ferocity, and powersets.  The X-Men’s trump card?  Magneto.  He can manipulate the island from far above the battlefield.  Turning every step that the gang gains into a minefield.  This would be a long and bloody pyrrhic victory for the X-Men.

vs Dark Avengers – This fight was actually captured by the story Utopia.  Long story short?  Cyclops positioned Norman into a lose-lose scenario and beat his team senseless.

Thank you my fearless readers on this Thanksgiving.  Happy Turkey Day!

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Categories: Comics, Humor Tags: , ,
  1. November 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    OSBORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<

  2. June 30, 2014 at 7:19 am

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