Home > Art, Comics, Fantasy, Humor > Battle Royale Redux: And This Time, It’s Personal!

Battle Royale Redux: And This Time, It’s Personal!

Holy crap, Batman!  Has it really been this long since I wrote???

Well, let’s get it rolling with style!  How about a new top 10 toughest Heroes list?  Remember the rules?  Only current heroes.  Not dead (or dead-ish) and no anti-heroes.

Round 3:  FIGHT!

Hulk is strongest there is! Well, stronger than MOST…

#10 – The Hulk

His Deal – Caught in the heart of an experimental Gamma Bomb, Bruce Banner found himself transformed into a creature of pure rage.  Hulk’s rage now contains the criminally insane Banner at bay, but for how long?  The Jade Giant’s powers are unlimited strength, a healing factor that heals organs in minutes, and nigh-inexhaustible stamina.

Why he’s #10 – The Hulk, while possessed of strength that rivals cosmic entities, just has that.  His powers took a serious upgrade during World War Hulk, but that was then.  Now, Banner and Hulk are no longer working together, and his overall strength has decreased.

Two heads are not always better than one…

#9 – Firestorm

His Deal – Technically, this is two people:  Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch.  We also, will be dealing with their merged form, the Fury.  Either way, an accident gave them the capability to fly, become intangible, shoot energy blasts, and their most fearsome power:  the ability to transmute matter.  DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THIS ABILITY!

Why he’s #9 – Ronnie and Jason, while ludicrously powerful, are kids.  Their inexperience combined with hormones give them a severe disadvantage to the rest of the hitters on this list.

vs Hulk – The Fury just changes the air around the Hulk into adamantium.  Simple, yet elegant.

All brains and no brawn make for a weak fighter

#8 – Professor Charles Xavier

His Deal – The world’s most powerful telepath.  On his quest to prevent a civil war within the Shi’ar Empire caused him to get upgraded mental capabilities, including mind control, mind wipes, memory manipulation, illusion casting, even some minor telekinesis.

Why he’s #8 – Chuck is quite the thinker.  He is actually an incredibly gifted strategist.  Unfortunately, his body is only that of a man in his 50s.  That liability is something that the more physical people on this list will exploit.

vs Hulk – Just brings the frail Banner to the surface, and keeps him a drooling vegetable.

vs Firestorm – Uses the mental conflict that Jason and Ronnie already have and watches them obliterate each other while eating a bucket of popcorn.  With extra butter.  Mmmm.  Butter.

Fast, as fast as I can be, I’ll never be #1!

#7 – The Flash / Barry Allen

His Deal – The Fastest Man Alive.  Accidental exposure to a combination of lightning and chemicals, gave Barry the ability to not only tap into, but generate the Speed Force. It gives him the ability to think, react, and move at near-light speed.  By vibrating his molecules fast enough he can even move through solid objects.  He can also run so fast, he can travel through time.

Why he’s #7 – Being able to move faster that most people can think is quite the feat.  What holds him back his is that, being fast is the only thing he does.  While the Speed Force protects his body against friction, it WON”T do diddly squat against a glancing blow from a guy who can juggle Mack trucks.

vs Hulk – Hulk’s cunning and strength, combined with the fact that he can only fight on the ground, just isn’t good enough.  Barry just vibrates through Hulk and splatters his insides all over the city.

vs Firestorm – It really doesn’t matter how much power you can lob around if you can’t see your target.  I see both of these kids getting cold-cocked before Jason can think of what chemical formula to use.

vs Professor X – Knowing that Barry’s fist will impact your human jaw in .0003 seconds isn’t going help.  Sorry, Charles.

Mark’s half-alien, but he’s also half-HUMAN…

#6 – Invincible / Mark Grayson

His Deal – The son Omni-Man and a human female.  His half-Viltrumite heritage gives him flight, super-strength, super-speed, enhanced stamina, and increased durability.

Why he’s #6 – For all of Mark’s powers, it’s been proven, that he struggles against full-blooded Viltrumites like Conquest.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s quite powerful, just not in same power league as the rest of these pure-bloods.  Damn mud-blood…

vs Hulk – Hulk is clearly stronger.  But Mark’s speed and flight capabilities, gives him more angles of attack.  Hulk goes down, but not easily.

vs Firestorm – Again, it’s Invincible’s speed that gives him an edge.  Flying in at Mach 2 and delivering a Viltrumite empowered right hook takes both of these upstarts down.

vs Professor X – Just like the Flash, only it will take a minute longer.

vs Flash – Barry has Mark in the speed department, but Invincible’s tough skin will stand up to the Flash’s unrelenting assault.  Barely.  He will last just long enough to swing one of those super-strong arms blindly and accidentally knock out Barry.  Then collapse.

If only she had more experience…

#5 – Supergirl / Kara Zor-El

Her Deal – The Last Daughter of Krypton.  Recently landed on Earth, she is coming to terms with her powers, adolescence, the death of her race, and being stuck on Earth.

Why she’s #5 – A full-blooded Kryptonian, Kara has all the strengths and weaknesses of Superman.  Her drawback?  The fact that she has like a tenth of the experience.

vs Hulk – With Hulk edging her out on pure strength, she has to fall back on her speed and flight.  Which of course wraps this fight up.

vs Firestorm – Kryptonian speed vs all too human reflexes?  Really?

vs Professor X – I believe the Flash sets a precedent for this…

vs Flash – Barry’s fists can’t do jack against Kara’s Kryptonian skin.

vs Invincible -Mark will be a sitting duck.  Not only is she superior in power, but she’s got boobs.  He doesn’t stand a chance.

Amazonian badassedness, but is that enough?

#4 –Wonder Woman / Princess Diana

Her Deal – The daughter of Hyppolyta and the Greek God Zeus.  Due to her demigod status, she has been gifted with superhuman strength, speed, stamina, durability, and flight.  Combine all that with Amazonian combat training and magical doodads, and you’ve got yourself an almost unbeatable opponent.

Why she’s #4 – Diana’s demigod powers are potent.  Incredibly so.  But as much as magic trumps almost everything, it’s her shortcomings (a short list to be sure) that keep her from taking a higher spot.

vs Hulk – WW’s fought all manner of Hulk-like monstrosities, one more won’t make much of a difference.

vs Firestorm – I’d like to see these kids try to whip up something when a bloody Amazon is swinging a battleaxe while running at you at the speed of Mercury.

vs Professor X – Once again, speed and reflexes win over mind juju.

vs Flash – While Barry’s faster, Diana will just outlast his paltry male attacks and rip him in two.

vs Invincible – Mark has no true martial training, and that’s something Diana has in spades.

vs Supergirl – Kara has got WW on the power department, but Diana’s tactical know-how and magical arsenal make quick work of this Amazonian wanna-be.

Can the Big Blue Boy Scout snag the top spot? I say nope…

#3 – Superman / Clark Kent / Kal-El

His Deal – The Man of Steel.  Superman has all of the Kryptonian powersets.  I would list them all,but I’d run out of room.

Why he’s #3 – Clark is the most powerful and noble of DC’s heroes.  Then why is he #3?  Well, he wears his two main weaknesses on his sleeves.  Kryptonite and magic.  You could take him down if you had a Kryptonite toothpick if you knew how to use it…

vs Hulk – Softening the Hulk up with heat-vision while punching him with haymakers at super-speed?  Yeah, Bruce isn’t ready for this kind of assault.

vs Firestorm – While either one of these guys COULD whip up some Kryptonite out of nowhere, they would have to actually know he’s around.  If ol’ Kal can move almost as fast as the Flash, it really doesn’t matter.

vs Professor X – Supes just uses his x-ray, telescopic, microscopic, and heat visions to lobotomize Chuck from a mile away.

vs Flash – Kal’s Kryptonian senses would barely be able to detect him, but when you can crush Buicks with your pinky, a glancing blow is all you need.

vs Invincible – This is not even a fair fight.

vs Supergirl – Kryptonian vs Kryptonian!  Supes has the edge on this one based on experience and just the fact that his body’s been gobbling up more yellow sunlight than hers.

vs Wonder Woman – Diana’s magical doodads would even things out, but Clark’s just a bit faster and a bit stronger.  This spells an EXTREMELY long fight, where Clark beats Diana by the skin of his teeth, but only because of his overwhelming power.

Is the World’s Greatest Detective’s brain and brawns enough?

#2 – Batman / Bruce Wayne

His Deal – The Dark Knight.  His body’s been honed to physical perfection, knows every martial art known on Earth (even some that are not), and has a genius level intellect with a penchant for using his incredible inventive brain to create gadgets that can bring down the most powerful of foes.

Why he’s #2 – Batman is a consummate planner and strategist.  He has plans within plans, and has an extensive database on all known superhumans.  His ONLY drawback is that he’s still only human, and even Batman can’t beat everyone.

vs Hulk – With a sample of the Hulk’s blood, he creates a serum to temporarily turn him back into Banner.  Which in turn sees Banner knocked out cold.

vs Firestorm – Bruce divides and conquers these two.  At night.  From the shadows.

vs Professor X – Batman can hide his thoughts from the Martian Manhunter.  Sneaking up on Xavier is nothing.

vs Flash – Wayne simply uses his old vibra-bullet trap, and keeps Barry incapacitated with seizures at light-speed.

vs Invincible – Bruce has a powersuit that can beat Superman.  Mark is just practice.

vs Supergirl – See above…

vs Wonder Woman – Bats has a VR chip that has been proven to take down Diana.  And besides, he’s still a better fighter than her.

vs Superman – Really?  Do I need to go over this?


#1 – Thor

His Deal – The God of Thunder.  This exemplar of Asgardian might, has all of the divine attributes of his race (agelessness, godly strength, stamina, durability, and senses) and he’s also armed with Mjolnir, which of course gives him the ability to control the weather, manipulate any energy thrown in his general direction.’

Why he’s #2 – Goldilocks here has THOUSANDS of years of battle experience (widely known to be an expert hand-to-hand combatant), has strength on par with Superman, and of course the fact that he’s going to be clocking you with a mystical hammer.  The rest of these chumps are mere mortals.  Thor is a GOD.

vs Hulk – Newly infused with the Odinforce, Thor can now throw Mjolnir THROUGH planets…  Hulk is just angry.

vs Firestorm – It’s a bit hard to concentrate on what to hit when a sudden fog impairs your vision and then lights up with magic lightning…

vs Professor X – Where is the Prof hanging his hat these days?  Oh yeah, right where that tornado just landed.

vs Flash – Barry can move at near-lightspeed.  Lightning is a bit faster.  Thor would just light his immediate area up with lightning and Barry’s toast.  Besides, Thor’s divine senses can keep up with his movements.

vs Invincible – Thor’s beaten tougher trolls than Mark.

vs Supergirl – A strong girl, but Thor’s magic hammer trumps her Kryptonian powers.

vs Wonder Woman – The absolute best fight on this whole list.  Two warriors trained from birth.  Both having extensive knowledge of the combat arts.  I see this fight taking days, but Thor is on par with Superman and he has gobs more experience than Diana.  After the battle, he proposes marriage.  I mean, c’mon!  Who else could tame her besides Batman?

vs Superman – Superman would be an extreme challenge for Thor…  Up until he shot Clark with lightning and he folds like a paper bag.  Sorry, Smallville.

vs Batman – Bruce has fought toe-to-toe with Darkseid.  Gods don’t intimidate him, but Thor has no psychological weaknesses that Bats can exploit like Diana’s competitive nature.  So no go there.  All he has left is his arsenal, and since it’s based on science, well, Thor’s beaten Stark’s “Thorbuster” armor.  This is really just a learning experience for Bats on how Asgardians work.

Let me know what you think!


Categories: Art, Comics, Fantasy, Humor
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